Proposition 8 and the Pursuit of Happiness

I have been thinking a good deal about the furor over Proposition 8.
That's the referendum on marriage in California that confines marriage to being between a man and a woman. It was proposed to counter the gay marriages that were beginning to take place among gays in that state. The argument for this ban on gay marriage that I have most commonly heard is that such a union degrades marriages among the straight population.

And being somewhat of an Aspie about this, I just don't get it.
I cannot figure out how my marriage to that wonderful man, the Engineering Geek, is in any way threatened by gays having a civil marriage contract. My marriage is what it is--the formation of a Jewish household. The fact that Catholics and Presbyterians have marriages that are not defined in the same way does not change the status of my marriage. And the fact that some people have civil marriages, rather than a religious covenant, does not change the status of my marriage.

In fact, I think it is downright responsible of gays to want to settle down and make a household together and protect that relationship by legal means. Marriage is not an easy proposition. It means standing "before G-d and everybody" and promising to live with another person who is not your flesh and blood for the rest of your life.
It is not a step to be taken lightly, though some do.
The legal contract and the rights and responsibilities that come with it encourage one to take it seriously.
And even among those that take it seriously, there are circumstances that cause a person to admit failure and dissolve the contract in divorce.

I do not believe that it is right for government to deny the civil benefits of a contract to any person. We are all equal under the law, different though we certainly are in a range of attributes that make us individuals. To say that one group of people have the right to make a civil contract that others do not because of a class attribute (race, gender, religion) is certainly discrimination. And when government fails to treat all persons equally under the law, it subverts the Rule of Law. This is not something to be taken lightly, either, because once the law begins to discriminate among citizens, then all of our rights are at stake.

The constitutionality of Proposition 8 is being appealed to the California Supreme Court. And I believe it should end there because that court has a precedent in the case it decided in 1948, Perez v. Sharp (aka Perez v. Lippold). In that case, the California Supreme Court recognized that laws forbidding interracial marriages violated the 14th Amendment of the United States Constitution.

Other states were slower to overturn their bans on interracial marriage. Finally, in 1967, the United States Supreme Court ruled that laws forbidding interracial marriage were unconstitutional according to the equal protection clause of the 14th Amendment in the case Loving v. Virginia. That case is particularly interesting because it is one of the few cases in which SCOTUS cited the right to the Pursuit of Happiness, which is asserted in the United States Declaration of Independence. That phrase has been interpreted to mean the right to property and its disposition, as well as the right to freedom of movement, and the freedom to choose a vocation and manner of life, so long as those choices do not violate the natural rights of others.

Most of the arguments I have seen for the legal ban on gay marriage are derived from the religious beliefs held by those who object to these unions. However, in the United States, the legal aspect of marriage is adjudicated by the state. In this form, civil marriage, it is a contract that is ultimately about household property and the forming of a legally recognized relationship that supercedes those recognized among blood relatives. (What I mean by this is that for a legally married person, the closest living relative is the spouse, not the parents or children). The states, in turn, have given the privilege of representing the state in this legal contract to the clergy of various religions as a matter of courtesy and convenience to the marrying couple. (And in fact, in some states, of which New Mexico is one, anyone may apply to be the formal state representative at a wedding, clergified or not). The religious covenant of marriage, which is very important for a lot of us, is entirely separate.
Thus the rabbi or minister or priest assumes the role of the state when she or he says:
"By the power vested in my by the State of _______, I now declare you husband and wife."

Some of us have two separate weddings. When the Engineering Geek and I were planning our wedding, we had already set the date for a June Kiddushin (Jewish Wedding) with our rabbi and cantor. Then in December, I found out that my insurance benefits were going to be raised by nearly half. So we had a January civil wedding before a District Court Judge. When we had our Kiddushin in June, the rabbi did not have to say the "by the power vested in me . . . shpiel. The religious covenant of marriage was recognized by the signing of the Ketubah (marriage contract) and the giving of the rings. But our legal status as a married couple had already been recorded and there was no change in our civil status. That had already changed in January.

Here's the deal: A person's natural rights are guarranteed by the state. They ennumerate what the state may not do to the individual. So the state may not interfere with an adult citizen's pursuit of happiness--that is her property, freedom of movement, and choice of vocation and manner of living, among other things. The state may not use force against a person to stop her from pursuing her own happiness, so long as she does not violate the rights of others. So if the state recognizes a civil contract between two people that makes them a special kind of corporation, then it cannot refuse it to others, so long as they have the standing (age of majority, of sound mind, and not coerced) to make a contract.

However, religious institutions and their clergy may discriminate. Since they are not governmental agencies, they can make any rules they want to regarding the covenant of marriage. My rabbi, for example, will not perform Kiddushin between a Jew and a non-Jew. He says that Kiddushin requires two Jews, a Chuppah, and a ring. He recognizes the validity of the civil marriage to the state, but he does not recognize it as a Jewish marriage under Jewish law. So, too, for those whose religious beliefs do not allow for gay marriage: They can join those religions that are of like mind. They do not have to associate with married gays (or gays at all, for that matter) in their personal lives. They do not have to accept gay marriage into their worlds.

To those who object: Yes, you have the right to be offended. And no, you do not have the right to not be offended.

But for the sake of Liberty, they cannot ask the state to violate the rights of others.
And they cannot demand that the state impose their religious beliefs on others. That would be the establishment of a particular religion by the state; that is a violation of the First Amendment to the United States Constitution.

To forestall certain arguments: Yes, Christianity is the most common religion in the United States. No, this is not a Christian country: There is no established religion in the United States; that would be a violation of the First Amendment.

We Found It on Chupadera Mesa...!

As some of you know, Bruce and I have been looking for the perfect astronomy lot for some time. We had found a "good"--not "perfect"-- one in our own subdivision, but then some legal issues about an access road made it much less desirable for our purposes. So we backed out of the deal.

Last February, though I took N. and his friend A. to Grand Quivera on Chupadera Mesa. It was so peaceful there, and I knew the nights would be dark. But although I tried to imagine what the Spanish priest would have thought, sitting on the bench outside his church there, I did not think about it for our astronomy purposes.

Then, about a month ago, I saw an article in the Sunday paper about a sustainable development by the Heritage Land Conservancy located on Chupadera Mesa. When I contacted them, they offered us the chance to come down to look at land. To sweeten the deal, they said they'd put us up on-site overnight. Since Bruce and I have not had a weekend getaway together in over a year, we jumped at the opportunity.

So Saturday morning, we packed a Pesach lunch to-go, and headed down to Mountain Air, NM to meet our "Land Preservation Specialist" a.k.a. realtor who would take us out onto the Preserve and explain this unique concept of a private preserve/development on which people would live and work to preserve the land for multiple uses--ranching, recreation, and sustainable living in comfort and even luxury.

After a detour due to the fire in the Manzanos, and a mix-up about where to meet Charlie, we finally got into a company F-150 and were out on the land.


Our first stop was Goat Canyon Overlook in the Deer Canyon Preserve. Here, we looked out over Chupadera Mesa toward the Manzano Mountains, where the view was somewhat hazy due to the fires.

Here, Charlie talked a bit about the concept and the Heritage Land Conservancy, which is a non-profit organization. The Heritage Preserve is the for-profit arm that creates the preserves and developments. "Together, " we were told, "These organizations provide provide working examples of sustainable business practices and a set of initiatives designed to balance human needs... with the needs of a healthy ecosystem."


Here, Bruce and Charlie examine the map on a lot at the mesa top, looking for the building envelope.

The concept of a private for-profit preserve that serves the human need for quality of life interests us greatly. One reason that we are more interested in the Nature Conservancy than other "green" organizations is that many of the other groups assume that humans do not belong in earth's ecosystem. We disagree. We believe that the only way to preserve the land and live well on it is through for-profit enterprises in which people have use of (and therefore a stake in) the land they desire to preserve. We like the concept that people will take care of things that have value to them, because it enhances their quality of life.



We had looked at some lots at the base of Chupadera Mesa, and these Bruce pronounced "good" astronomy lots, but not "great."Then, nose of the F-150 pointed at the sky, we drove to the top of the Mesa.

Wow! Here we are looking south across the Mesa edge in the foreground, with the Pinos Mts. beyond, and beyond them, the tops of the Magdalena Mts. are just visible.

We knew that if we were to find the perfect astronomy lot, it would be up here! After surveying a few "great" lots,we were ready to go down again, but I suggested we take the "bumpy ride" (roads in process) across the top. There we found what Bruce called "Astronomy Row." Since these lots were platted, but not completely marked, Charlie suggested that we go to the guest house and meet up in the morning, with a GPS.


The guest houses are homes in the Phase I that the owners have not permanently occupied. They lease the house back to the company, and guests get to stay in them while looking for land.

The refrigerator was stocked with all kinds of goodies. Here Bruce is grilling our dinner on the porch. Steaks, nice and juicy. We microwaved some potatoes and vegetables, and uncorked the bottle of New Mexico Cabernet left for us.

We spent the evening making plans and gazing at the stars, as Bruce had brought his Schmitt-Cassegrain along for observing purposes.



The next morning, after we had our coffee on the porch and enjoyed the humming birds--they're back!--Charlie picked us up, armed with a GPS, so that we could look carefully at "Astronomy Row."

On the way up the Mesa, in the Open Space, two mule deer stood, watching us carefully, while I photographed them from the truck. When the truck was put back in gear, they slipped silently back into the Pinyon-Juniper woodland.

It was then on up the mesa to walk some lots.

The lots are approximately 20 acres each. Each has either a one acre or three acre building envelope on which the owners can put a house, guest-house and outbuilding. Owners can fence this portion, own animals, and even operate a small business at home. When closing on the land, the owner signs an easement which says that the rest of the land will be open for recreational use exclusively by the residents of the development, and that the land will be remediated as needed for beauty and enjoyment. The property owner also agrees to restrictive covenants that protect property values and views for everyone. Finally, the property owner enters into a Well Trust, to maintain the private wells that provide water.


On Sunday morning, we found our lot on the top of Chupadera Mesa. It sits on a corner between the main road (which will be gravel to better manage run-off) and a cul-de-sac. Here is a view along the road front, in the background are the Manzano Mts., the haze gone for the morning.

The lot sits at the crown of this part of the mesa, and the building envelope sits right on the ridgeline. It has 360 degree views, making it the "perfect" astronomy lot among all the "great" astronomy lots on "Astronomy Row" according to Bruce. Four mountain ranges can be clearly seen from here: the Manzanos, the Pinos, Sierra Blanco and the Capitans, and the Gallinas. On a clear day, one can also see the Magalenas, the Sandias, the Jemez, the Sangre de Cristos, and the Sacramentos. These are views that extend for more than 100 miles.


Here, we are looking into the more wooded area at the back of the lot from the side road that ends in a cul-de-sac.

The land is in reasonable shape--an open-meadow and trees. The plant life is mostly climax species appropriate for the place--pinyon-juniper woodland, with meadows of gramma grass. There are only a few pre-climax species, indicating overgrazing in the past.

We did look at several other lots near-by, my Engineering Geek being very thorough, but ultimately we kept coming back to this one. It had the highest elevation in the area, 7260 feet, with the best of the spectacular views.

The lot is not yet ready for purchase, because the road must be improved and electric wires and well lines must be run to the property line, so we put money down to reserve the lot until release. It will be ours to purchase when it is released.

We will not build for approximately 4 years.
Bruce will be retiring and starting his second career then, and I will done at the university and planning my third career.

But when we do, we plan for maximum efficiency and comfort--I am married to an engineer, so efficiency comes first!--with passive solar design, solar hot water, and electric, as well as rain-water harvesting and gray-water reclamation. The rain-water harvesting is required at the mesa top, the rest is strongly encouraged but optional. However, it only makes sense for our pocketbook to invest up front when building in order to recoup many energy savings over the years, especially with energy prices increasing as they are.

And of course, we plan to build an observatory. No question about that. The only question is whether it will be a dome or a slide-away roof, attached to the house or free-standing.

Bruce is looking forward to having his 'scopes permanently set up.

Four years are going to go by fast with all the planning and working we'll need to do to accomplish this dream.

Rubies From My Valentine

It's my beloved's birthday, and he has been playing all day up at Angel Fire with the scouts, while CGP and I stayed home to walk the dogs, study and hold down the fort. And so, since the week was busy, and I did not do a Valentine's day post, I would belatedly pay tribute to the romance in our lives tonight.

Of course, Valentine's Day is not a Jewish holiday.
Strictly speaking, it is the feast day of a Christian saint.

But romance is romance, and love is love, and my Engineering Geek, like many geeks,

has a tender and romantic heart.

I will digress here to tell you two stories from our courtship--isn't that such a lovely word?--that will demonstrate my point.


First Story: Early in our courtship, Bruce took a trip to California to visit his brother and sister, and to have the unveiling for his parent's tombstone. While he was gone he called every day. The day after he was due to arrive home that weekend, I had a breakfast appointment with a good friend, and so I thought I would not see him until later. As P. and I were having breakfast, Bruce came into the cafe, carrying a red rose. He walked up to our table and announced: "I am looking for the love of my life." And then he handed me the rose. P. excused herself fairly quickly, and it was Bruce and I that had breakfast together.


Second Story: It was clear by the fall of 2001 that Bruce and I were heading for marriage, and I wondered how he would "pop the question." Rosh Hashannah went by, then Yom Kippur and...gornisht (nothing)! At the end of September, Bruce made a presentation to The Albuquerque Astronomy Society (TAAS) about the total solar eclipse he had observed in Zambia that summer. The day of the presentation, he was uncommonly nervous. He insisted that I sit in the front row "for moral support." I thought he was going on about not much, because he had been president of the society in years past. These were his friends and colleagues in stargazing after all! The presentation was great and was well received.



At the end, the president at the time, Eric, got up and said, "Well, if nobody has any further questions, then Bruce has a question about the Diamond Ring Effect." I was unsuspecting, thinking that it was the trivia question, because they had neglected to pass one out at the beginning of the meeting. And then, I realized that people were moving away from me, and taking out cameras. And then Bruce was kneeling in front of me, and presenting me with a beautiful diamond ring.


Oh! That "diamond ring effect!
I was speechless. I guess I said yes, because I am wearing the ring. Later, some of his friends told me that he had planned this ahead and called them. They were all a little worried about what would happen if I said "No." But he was undeterred.

So, as I was saying, my husband does have a strong romantic side to him.
And I get to see it every Valentine's day.
He likes flowery cards with sentimental messages.
The envelope is always labeled: "To My Dear Wife."
And I usually get chocolate and a dozen roses.

I am spoiled.

This year was different and especially nice.
On Valentine's day in the evening, I had a class to attend.
We did meet for dinner at Gyros Diner, with N., too.
I gave Bruce a card and a gift then.
By the time I came home, quite late, I had forgotten all about Valentines.

But my Beloved remembered.




There, on our dresser, was his usual beautiful card.
And a small box wrapped in red paper.

Inside, was a ruby necklace with matching earrings.

Beautiful.

And on Shabbat evening, he asked me to be sure to wear them to the table.

Just before the kiddush, as he does every week, he took my hand and said:

" 'Eishet chayil...A woman of valor, who can find? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and nothing shall he lack...Place before her the work of hands, for her deeds speak her praise.' " And then he said, "And I give you the rubies, 'for you surpass them all...' "

A woman of valor? That seems a little beyond me. But...

...you will pardon me, I am sure, for thinking I am the luckiest woman of them all.

Fifth Anniversary: Finding the Bashert, Finding Good Fortune

Five years! Sometimes it seems like we have been married all of our lives, and sometimes I feel like we are newlyweds.

We still hold hands like lovers.
We work together like partners.

Our Brit Tena'im (engagement agreement) states:
"Whoever finds the Bashert (the person intended for you) finds good fortune..."
And so it has been.

Some of us find the Bashert early and some, late.



Sometimes, love found late is sweetest.

Five years ago, June 8th, 2002,, Bruce and I signed our Ketubah, our marriage contract.

A Ketubah is a legal document that states specifically what the Chatan (bridegroom) and Kallah (bride) are agreeing to do. We agreed, among other things, to establish a household "in Israel" (meaning among the people Israel--not the the nation-state), and to support and love one another according to the tradition and laws of Moses and Israel.

A Ketubah is also a work of art, scribed by hand, and adorned with art and illumination. Hiddur Mitzvah means to "beautify the commandments." It is a commandment to marry with a Ketubah, and to adorn it according to the personalities of the couple makes it beautiful. Ours is a limited edition called Erev shel Shoshanim, Evening of Roses, that depicts the night sky (Bruce is an amateur astronomer) and roses growing in old Jerusalem (my first career was as a type of botanist).

Five years ago, Bruce and I joined our lives together under the Chuppah, the marriage canopy, surrounded by family and friends.

The Chuppah (the "ch" is a gutteral, like the "ch" in the German "Bach") symbolizes the household that is being created by the marriage of two Jews. It is open on all four sides, to show that the Jewish household is open to hospitality toward all.

Our wedding occured very near to Shavuot, so the greenery in the synagogue was our decoration for it. Since our theme was "Evening of Roses," we had rose petals strewn on the aisle in the synagogue. Not only was it beautiful, but it smelled like roses as we were brought to the Chuppah. I don't remember a whole lot of what was said under the Chuppah, but since there is tradition, I know what occured there. A blessing was said over wine, the symbol of joy. Seven wedding blessings were chanted. Rings were exchanged and we said, each to the other, in Hebrew, "Behold, you are made holy unto me according to the laws of Moses and Israel." Marriage is called "kiddushin" in Hebrew, meaning holiness. Joining together in marriage is a holy act in Judaism; it is the fulfillment of a commandment and the highest calling to which human beings can aspire. It is an act of tikkun olam, repair of the world. I think it is so because the joining of two separate people, who undertake to live together despite their differences is an opportunity for the creation of Shalom, wholeness, blessing and peace.


Our first dance. After we had some time alone together, we joined the celebration of our wedding in progress.

We chose to dance to the Louis Armstrong tune, "Wonderful World." What a wonderful world is made from the blessing of finding the Bashert!

A story: In January of 2001, I went to a family retreat. The theme was "blessings." At one point, in small groups, the adults were asked to ask for and receive a blessing from another. I thought it was pretty schmaltzy, and I was shy about asking. But something overcame my reserve, and I asked for my heart's desire. "Please ask for me the blessing that I might find my life's partner, my Bashert."
Fast forward to May, 2001. Bruce and I, on our seventh date, were driving up to Ojo Caliente to spend the day soaking in the healing waters there.
I asked Bruce, "What is your Hebrew name?" He said, "Baruch ben Leib Hersch haLevi v'Rina. ('A Blessing' the son of Leib Hersch the Levite and Joy). " I definitely heard the sound of the two-by-four swishing through the air! Here was my Bashert, my Blessing that I had asked for!
Sometimes blessings are very powerful. Be warned!


One of "the obligations without measure, the reward of which is without measure," is to "rejoice with bride and groom."

A custom is to show the depth, the "measurelessness" of that rejoicing, is to lift the brude and groom up on chairs as part of the dancing.

Here Bruce and I "dance" together on the chairs, joined in the "handkerchief dance", lifted by friends and family, while others dance the Hora.

The New Shtetl Band and the dancers were singing: "There shall be heard in the streets of Jerusalem, the voice of joy and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride." (...kol sasson v'kol simcha, kol chatan v'kol kallah!")

The wonderful thing about our wedding was that we enjoyed it so much! We handed over the details to the rabbi, cantor, caterer and the synagogue event planner. And we let go and had a wonderful time. We were the last ones to leave our wedding.

Our marriage has been sweet and tender and good for both of us. We have grown into more love and understanding.
Of course, there are differences between us, from time to time. Both of us can be stubborn and headstrong and intense. Real life brings challenges to all of us! But there is a fundamental basis of love and respect that is different than our previous relationships.

As we sit on our rockers on the porch holding hands, we sometimes turn to one another and say: "Love is truly wasted on the young!"

Five years! Sometimes it seems like we have been together all of our lives. Sometimes we feel like newlyweds.

We have each found the bashert. We have each found good fortune.